Admit it, Accept it

最近心情很不錯，
天氣真好，雖然有些微冷

早上習慣性地晨跑
經過別人家門前，那棵櫻花樹盛開了
很繽紛的景象，而我正沐浴在晨光中

享受著乍暖還寒的初春



最近常聽見的一個問題

考得如何？


老實說，不怎麼樣
雖然報告分數是沒什麼可恥的，
但是被一群無關緊要的路人像拷問陳冠希一般疲勞轟炸似地問問題

最後總想乾脆以一句話「不盡理想」打發


事實上，也許是不怎值得令人提起的分數
但對我來說，我很開心自己能有點成長

不是與模擬考的分數作比較
而是與多年前的自己相比較

分數雖然無法表達一個人的內在，
畢竟它也不過是兩個數字的拼湊


但當成績單發下來的那一瞬間，不禁會令人省思過去將近三年來的努力
還有曾經擁有過的回憶，
而自己在這段往日回億當中，究竟又成長了多少


「成長」是多麼令人心雀躍的一件事情


然而

對某些人的父母親來說，卻是容易被忽略的
甚至被自己遺忘了


我不曾為分數難過，這是千真萬確
因為我會為自己感到欣喜，高興的是
我能做到一些事情

沒錯，當別人因期望破滅而埋首哭泣
我卻為自己的作文表現沾沾自喜；
當別人因分數上不了門檻，敲不進理想學校的大門而畫地設限
我卻意外自己某些科目有超乎期待的突破



或許我該表示一點點傷心？
是好事壞事，自己也不清楚

但我從不向上看，我只知道向前走


或許是從小媽媽帶給我的
「熱情，可以超越限制」

因此我始終抱持著樂觀的態度看待事情


偶爾難過，偶爾傷心
但這都是經歷成長的過程


我並不想推銷自己的想法
或是要人去接受我的看法

對人說教我並不感興趣
安慰別人我也並不擅長

因為我並不熟悉，誠懇說話而不傷害到別人的技巧
這一路，就是在不停傷害別人的過程中走來的


－


你想掩飾到什麼時候？

勞煩我費盡心思演出一場歇斯底里的鬧劇，用盡一切方法試探
如今，你是否想通了？

其實你並不喜歡女人，
從一開始我便在你眼神中讀出這點


或許你不過是在追逐某人的影子，
或許你不過是想找個人陪伴在身邊

而這個人是誰，也顯得不那麼重要了


你說你害怕我似乎看穿一個人的眼神，
難道你不明白，看穿別人是件多麼累的事


所以，寧願假裝什麼都沒發生
寧願掩藏自己的情感

也不願把心底的話說出來，
傷害到一個人


是否你能告訴我，是什麼讓你想迴避？
是什麼讓你害怕地逃走？

我已卸下了藩籬，靜待無聲的回音



(布朗特太太的先生)
James Blunt - Carry You Home

Head Ache

Dreams are heavy burdens for me.


I often woke up from either sweet dreams or nightmares. Both of them make me feel tired. I've fallen in dreams during my sleep many times over the past three years.


Most of the people don't have dreams that often, not to mention the dreams they've forgotten. Perhaps there're some people who're eager to have the experience of dreaming, yet for me, it may also be annoying when you find yourself bombarded with dreams all day night, even throughout a week.


That's what worries me these days.

It might be reasonable that I often feel like I'm at the wrong place in real life.
When I'm in dreams, things go smoothly. Every scene seems blurred to me. I couldn't tell the difference between abstract and concrete. They just stay together at the same space quite well, but there is a story going, and I'm always the important figure in that story, while it isn't written by myself.


Oftentimes I let my mind takes over, absorbing the atmosphere which is beyond comprehention.

There're conversations between me and another. Most of them I meet at daytime, and mostly they're the ones I've been thinking of. But sometimes a person may bump into my dream as if we were dreaming at the same point, at the same time, even though we haven't met.


However, I usually end up feeling tired since my brain haven't really gone blank and got rest for a period of time. Well, I think I need to enjoy the plots instead of just complaining.

＿

這張畫，是為了送給一位老友在早上繪製完成的
前提，畫中的人當然不是我，
而背景更不可能是我畫的，那原來是張照片

原先畫好線稿時，想讓背景是一片白茫茫的雪景的
只是沒想到冬天經過一個早上瞬間就變成春天了

我問我姊該為這張畫取個什麼樣的名字，
她的回答真教我無言以對

【森林．狼．人】

．．．．

「難聽死了！！（怒吼）」
「阿不就關鍵字排列組合嘛—…」

這豈不就「森林有狼人」了
喔不不不……



Greeting　　2008. 2. 17

Australian Accent

「 自信，是你看自己的方式，
　 魅力，是別人看你的方式，
　
　 而自信 就是最好的魅力 」

＿


今天是情人節，我完全不記得這回事了，
直到今早有人送巧克力給我

當然，女生間互送巧克力是很平常的事，不過這大概是我第一次收到吧


在慧班老是會頻頻出現笑聲，
有人說升上高三以後，我們就像是被關在老人安養院
在我看來，我們班是瘋人院

而且一群瘋子又不愛打掃，成天不事生產，只生產垃圾
紙屑灰塵在地板上到處亂滾
連人都不介意在地上打滾了

叫我這個頭一次作衛生的，不是長噓就是短嘆



連續兩天以來的兩節公民課，雖然老師早認哉我們不會好好認真聽課
但即便是在底下埋頭做自己事情的，做事卻也很難專注

畢竟，公民老師太風趣，又跟我們班頻率太合
以致於每個人無不捧腹大笑，根本難做事


記得今天她一如往常地放著自己精心製作的投影片上課，
課不知怎的扯到魯賓遜，
她依舊率性地抽點人回答問題


第一題問，如果你是魯賓遜，你將如何分配一天的時間？


好笑的是第二題，

「假如你明天要考國、英、數三科，
　而每科至少需要一個小時的時間複習，
　當你晚上做完作業，驚覺離上床睡覺只剩下兩個小時，
　你該如何分配？」


大橘二話不說：
「不讀書，直接睡覺，還可以多睡兩個小時！」

老師：「這這這…不行呀！那妳那三科要怎麼辦？考試不及格嗎？」

「反正數學只要考完訂正，還有60分，
　英文分數那麼多，國文又不可能被當掉。

　這樣還可以多賺兩個小時睡覺，看我算得多精準！」


全班哄堂大笑，公民老師在台上都窘了

似乎是懶得跟我們辯，她再抽了一位同學
這次是好鄰居，上回與我比鄰而居的化學超女子

「胡宜嘉，妳會怎樣分配？」


她本人還沒開口別人就先搶著替她回答：
「兩個小時拿來讀化學。」


全班又是一陣狂笑，只見彎腰的彎腰，
肚疼的肚疼，真是久不復見的一片東倒西歪

真虧老師受得了我們爆low的笑點


＿


緊接著公民課的是英文

但聽說赫赫有名的"The Book Thief"的作者被邀請來我們學校，
大家便很聰明地跑去顱英文老師要求調課
只為一睹（據說）很帥的外國人，
我萬萬沒想到她很爽快地答應了

一夥人便再顱了公民老師吵著要提早五分鐘下課，
好一群猴死囝仔。


時機一到，大家趕緊衝下樓
彷彿一群飢不擇食想生吞活剝帥帥外國佬的瘋女人…

而幸運的是，高三擁有坐在最前排（即便是地板）的特權
只要地板不會太髒，大家似乎都巴不得更靠近一睹作者的風采
更何況那禮堂地板是我們掃的…


先前還沒走到禮堂我就被同學左拉一個右拉一個"預約"

說來好笑，本人根本不是專業的同步口譯機
幸好學校真請來了個更專業的，雖然實際上沒有翻譯的必要
（中山的孩子大都聽得懂，其實）


好笑的是，
演講時我們都坐在地板上，地板又冰又堅硬坐起來十分不舒服，
每個人都不時挪動身子
而當他演講到一半時，坐我身旁的某同學忽然放了個響屁

大家愣一愣，之後旁邊的人開始狂笑
她十分彆扭地說：「唉呀，人之常情嘛…（越說越小聲）」

所幸有句話我笑到當下沒講出來

--放屁是人之常情，但放了之後還不知道掩飾的
　那叫作超乎常情



在問問題的時候，不少人慫恿（或說是指使）我去問
但我抵死不從
因為大家為我想的問題都too embarrassing 了

"Do you have a girlfriend?" --Actually, He's married.
"Do I have the chance to be your 'wife'?" --No, of course.


沒想到後來有個小學妹問了個純粹搞笑的問題，


「很多書我看完了卻看不懂作者想表達什麼，
　請問您這本"偷書賊"究竟在說什麼呢？」

只見那位作者在聽完口譯後一陣沉默

"So....You are asking me to describe a five-hundred-page book into one sentence?"

".....Maybe...'two'（傻笑ing） "

我的天，她在開價了


所幸作者回答得很好:
"I think...my purpose is to remind people that...
even living in this tragic or miserable world, there still exist beauty."



回到教室後，大家開始笑鬧

「彭馨剛才說她很想跟他（作者）說--"Take me home."有夠白痴的」
週遭的人馬上吐槽，怡澤的最經典：

「那他一定會回妳-- "I don't want to bring a garbage back home!"」

Ten past Six

Today is the second day of the new semester.

Nothing has changed so far since we were just out of Hell, and it seemed that we didn't get enough vacation....It appears obvious to me, 'cause I kept dozing off on some of the classes that I shouldn't have. But I tried hard reminding myself that there was a No. 2 sitting by my side, and a No.1 sitting next to me with an aisle between us, so that I shouldn't remain my head dropping all the time.



Today is a special day because it's my favorite teacher's birthday. I regret that I didn't prepare any birthday present for her....for I had been informed the big news since morning. Unfortunately, we didn't have her class today, so we either couldn't sing a birthday song out loud to her.....What a pity!



To my surprise, I have also received some birthday presents from my classmates and school sisters. Although I didn't burst into tears, sure enough I felt deeply appreciative for all of you! I thought no one remembered that day, neither did myself, until I found those gifts on my desk. I really enjoy to see people's handwriting, and I promise I'll keep all the things safely by my side (or they might be damaged by those naughty cats).

_


Recently, or on occasion, I find myself sparing of words. It is quite often that I sink into deep thoughts, although I think it's not a bad thing, reassuring myself that it is just caused by the weather. Chilly winter often makes people blue, but for me, it's the season in which I was born, without snow drifting through the sky though.

There was a period of time that I thought becoming too spellbound into one's mind quite frightening. Sometimes it is hard to pull yourself from the whirlpool, emotions flowing through your body and are hard to suppress. Sometimes you even may feel like they are rolling through your veins.


But I don't think that emotions harm a person anyway. It's natural. Oftentimes I just let them go, like experiencing a passing dream along with a fresh breathe greeting the break of dawn.

I don't think depression can control a person entirely, and there's no need to stay away from people who may once appear irrational or pessimistic in their behavior, because sometimes, they just need a change, becoming more understanding for both others and themselves. And of course, pessimism doesn't represent a person fully. We have different aspects that either cooperate or in conflict with each other, which presents our own personalities. So, a person may smile like a daisy in front of people, while becoming irritable at other times. And a hand given from others sometimes have a positive effect on those who just can't find their way back.


I think what has concerned me all the time is that whether I have learned through my mistakes and tried to forgive and move on.


~S~

I'm Fine

今日牢騷排句：

"人老了真的很容易健忘"

（這根本就不是排句）
__________________________________


美國總統選舉局勢目前處於白熱化，
希拉蕊險勝
歐巴馬緊追
而我十八歲


（跟上述有啥關係？）

因為.....哈哈哈
我有投票權，你們沒有！（狂笑ing）

好啦我不該嘲笑你們的，
雖然我來不及投黨內初選，但申請overall選票的申請單已經寄出去了
第一次試用看看所謂的公民權力...
正巧碰上一場精采的選局


是女人勝出？
還是黑人？

抑或是老人....（共和黨似乎只能在場坐冷板凳）


不論是誰，結果都將改寫美國歷史


有人說，民主黨若真要改寫歷史，
就該派一位"女黑人"競選


"女黑人"？


萊斯是嗎...？（美國國務卿）　我窘了


－－


今年回南投山上過年，顯得既倉卒又冷清

連番折騰地把兩隻貓扛回山上，
沒想到他們個性大變，


一隻突然壯起膽來，頻頻偷溜房間門外
（話說樓上還有堂哥帶回來的臘腸狗）

另一隻食慾衰頹不振（本來很愛吃）
一到山上就猛往被裡鑽（是以為不會被發現是嗎？）


看來他倆都容易水土不服，
正好，讓那隻胖得不成樣的貓瘦瘦幾斤肉


猶記得上次許帥哥問我：
「妳說的那隻胖貓，究竟有多胖啊？ 長？」

我比了一下

「寬呢？」

我再比了一下

「長和寬不都一樣嗎= =」

「或許你早該問我半徑多少。」


＿



今年好可惜，沒機會和山親近，

因為山老是在哭泣


霧茫茫的一片，
到了晚上還能清楚看見霧一大羣飄移的方向


我很喜歡山

可惜也許得等下次，暑假的時候再和他敘敘舊了

到時河水暴漲，
恐怕無法再像過往遊走在溪谷山壑間了

今年有看到意外的驚喜，
兩隻臺灣藍鵲

飛在離我老家不遠的地方，
黑白相間的尾翼十分漂亮
叫聲也很婉轉悅耳


只是聽說他們個性很奸詐
在偷吃別人家枇杷前會放低音量

真是不聽話的孩子...


－－


最近在讀一本書

書名叫 "Born On A Blue Day"

中文直翻就叫出生在藍色的一天吧
十分有趣


內容描寫作者（患有某種類型自閉症）自身的成長歷程
講成長歷程未免太好笑了，
該說是他形容世界在他眼中呈現的面貌

一般人想到自閉症就聯想到不愛與人接觸、說話令人難解的人

事實上書中的人，本身很不可思議
他對數字（或符號）從小就有不一樣的官感


數字在他眼中是具顏色和不同形貌的，
像是會利用不同結構與他對話的生命體

所以在他腦海中，拼湊出的數學與平常人十分不同
數字本身會說話，告訴他某道難解題目的答案


如果我沒記錯，他曾是推算最多位數質數的世界紀錄
不過他的聰穎並非是為了跌破世人眼鏡所用

對他而言，"數字"是唯一能安慰他的存在罷了
而質數無非是最美麗的數字


然而這樣的不同，使他自生下來便與正常小孩有所隔閡
而世界對他而言卻是充滿吵雜與喧囂


他不是異類，也並非天才
卻是位夢想融入正常人生活的孤獨者


就是這樣的一本故事（笑）



－

回家過年的白痴小劇場

（有興趣請自行點選，沒有則請盡速離開）

（避免遭受腦殘輻射線波及）

LoNg wAy to gO

Exhausted.


That's the way I feel these days, and thanks God, it is over. It has been nearly three months since I last typed this thing, burying myself in piles and piles of books.

I'm glad to see some of our teachers come to the examination hall and cheer us on. A feeling of having a seasoned person aside is somewhat a comfort to many people. And I'm so glad to see our biology teacher in the last minute before I went upstairs. Despite the fact that I still feel the gap between us nowadays, it seemed that nothing was necessary on the battlefield. She gave me a big hug, and I smiled.


These days, I do nothing but monkey around. I hate the weather has been so gloomy and humid, yet I'm fortunate that I haven't even catch a cold through the whole winter. What's more, I usually dressed up in T-shorts since I'm not afraid of catching a chill, while my cats (who are supposed to have furred themselves in the entire season) usually squeeze into heavy blankets. They even occupied our heating no matter how we tried to move their fat bottoms aside.


－


真是令人作嘔

"Born on a blue day."

I'll come back soon.

~S~

Five For Fighting - 100 Years